The Life of an Aspiring Producer

I think anyone who tries to pursue a career, that is off the beaten path, goes in and out of a cycle of confidence and doubt. With music, by nature, you have to be an entrepreneur. This makes all the peaks of confidence higher as accomplishments were done with little help and no financial support. On the flip side, the valleys of doubt are lower as an aspiring producer doesn't have support and down times are inevitable.

My confidence in my skill level as a beat maker hasn't lacked in years. It just becomes stronger. I feel like I can compete with many in the industry. I lack in some areas but I feel my music is valuable. I still continue to grow musically. My love for music continues to grow. I just can't stay bored of music for very long any more. My writer's block has virtually gone away. I just don't seem to have many sub-par beats anymore either.

My quality is consistent. I used to have beats which were flukes, something that I felt was way better than my normal quality. I used to only make a few beats a year I really felt were worthy of trying to shop to anyone important. That doesn't happen anymore. I am consistent with my quality. I still improve but my foundation is solid. I am at a point I never thought I would reach.

My beats don't sell themselves. I shop my beats and have various responses. I sometime get the "this is really good but I don't see myself on it". I sometimes get the "I need something a bit more modern, I need more flair". I often just don't get a response. I am obviously paraphrasing but the point is, it is hard to sell a beat to someone who has heard thousands of beats, some probably get hundreds a day. I should feel good that very important people have felt the need to respond, I do feel OK, but it isn't paying my bills. This is where I have doubt.

I get so much positive response from people who can't help me. I have rappers begging me for beats they can't afford. I have people asking me to produce whole albums. I have fans. I even have established producers trying to put me on. My first and only placement happened instantly, I put a beat CD on and I was on an album. Monetarily, would frustrate most of the readers who think they will get some major compensation of their first industry album. Through all of this, I love it, I enjoy it, but it isn't helping me move forward. I sometimes struggle with the idea that so many people outside the industry, musician or not, want to hear me or work with me, but I just can't get in with a major.

It is easy to start to think "if I just came out 10 years ago, I would be huge." I have the style that was popular then. Money was bigger then. More artist able to get out then. I start to think, am I trying to enter a dying industry?

I can also start to think, if I knew AZ or Common personally, I would be on something big yesterday. If I moved to NY, Philly, even LA, maybe it would work out there. My reality is what it is though, I can't think like that.

This is where I have to regroup. The high moments are good but I have to look at them as a stepping stone. They move me forward, they haven't made me into a true professional. The low moments now inspire me to work harder. I can't dwell on an opportunity that just didn't work out, I need to create another.

Even with that mentality of using the good for reassurance and the bad as inspiration, I often feel at a cross road. The feeling of being destined to be a successful artist can quickly change to feeling like I am chasing a pipe dream. I think with any art, but especially music, a destiny and a pipe dream are only a step away from each other if you let your self believe that.

I guess I am trying to find the middle ground where I can walk smoothly. It takes a lot of energy to run up and down hills.

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